Saturday, May 30, 2009

Moving day(s)

Moving with a young baby is pretty much impossible. I think I am averaging two shirts, and a drinking glass a day being moved into the new place. At this rate, we should be moved in by.....hm, the time the lease is up! 
It is amazing here though!!! My brother's girlfriend came down yesterday to help me. She entertained Aife for a while, and then when Matt got home, her and I ran over load after load of stuff, while he watched our screaming baby. I think the move is pretty overwhelming to her. I think of what Matt and I are feeling, and then I try to imagine how she is perceiving it all. It has to be a little scary, and stressful for her. Plus, she has also outgrown her bassinet, so she is trying to get used to the big crib thing. Last night was better though! Basically, she is just super cranky alllll day, and doesn't want me to do anything besides sit and stare at her as we lay next to one another on our BEAUTIFUL CLEAN NEW FLOORS!! 
Today, I am going to try to get all of our clothes over here. Ok, she's finally asleep. Now is my chance to put some stuff away!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Our New Paradise

We are finally moving to A REAL PEOPLE'S place!! We just signed the lease for a gorgeous new loft. It is so modern, and so urban, and pretty much THE apartment I would design for my family had I the financial means to. I will have to post pictures tomorrow. 
It has two big rooms, two full bathrooms, a stunning great room/ kitchen dining area, an awesome roof top deck, gas range, washer/dryer, and a dishwasher!!!! Which is soooo helpful to keep up with the mess Matt makes! The floors are stained concrete, and all of the appliances are brand-spankin new! I have never lived in a place this nice. 
Our current apartment is just gross, and nothing works. There are so many allergens in the carpet (which is disgusting even though I vacuum ALL OF THE TIME). It has become a serious concern for Aife's health. I want her to be in a clean, healthy, happy environment, and our new place exceeds all of my criteria.
PLUS, huge bonus, and primary reason we are moving, we currently live above the bike shop where Matt works. So, basically he never leaves work. It just became too much for him. His manager constantly came up to ask him crap, and P.S. not a good idea to have your boss and landlord be the same person. Especially when said person is a total ass.
But, now we are moving on to better things!!! I am so thrilled we can give our daughter an amazing house to grow up in. It just proves yet again, the power of positivity. If your situation sucks, find a way to make it better. I can barely type right now I am so ridiculously happy and excited! 

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

A Little Narcissist?

Aife's personality is growing exponentially with each passing day. She has endless things to say (just not in English yet), and can't get enough of her feet. I loooove that she has found her feet! Anyways, it has recently come to my attention that she loves seeing pictures of herself. When she sees herself on my computer, or in the mirror she goes berserk. She starts squealing with delight and laughing, and of course wiggling. It is one of the funniest things EVER! If she sees a picture of another baby she gets this look of boredom, and turns her attention elsewhere. Sometimes I even get this look of "how could you be looking at another baby". Followed by a pouty face that could melt icebergs. (I have been getting way way way too mushy for my own good. Must go listen in on conversations about cars, and building things out of metal... or other similarly non-mushy activities...) 
I'm not really serious about the whole narcissism thing. I think it is pretty much one of the coolest things that she recognizes herself. She has finally reached that point when she is actually growing and changing sooo rapidly. I didn't believe anyone when they told me that they grow up so fast, but I am buying what they're selling now. 

This is my favorite shot of her; trying to steal water from my cup.
And I have to admit, if I were her I would also love pictures of myself.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Fax Defeats Mombrain

So I can push a whole human out of my body, feed her, entertain her, keep her happy and healthy, but I can't send a stupid fax? Simply baffling. I have done it a million times, yet for some reason, when it is a super super important fax, like future at stake here important, I send 8 BLANK PAGES. That certainly leaves an impressive impression on someone I need to impress...
It was a stupid mistake, baby in one arm fidgeting, stack of papers in the other, papers put in fax machine up-freakin-side-down! It almost reminds me of Office Space the movie, minus the humor, and the fact that it's my stupidity defeating me, not technology's fault. But I still want to take a bat to some office equipment! 
As soon as I finish feeding the baby, I will drive back to work and resend the pages right-freakin-side-up.  Wish me luck! Sometimes, you just have to laugh at yourself. 



Friday, May 22, 2009

Harrington Smith Flowers



I have become the new tech person at the flower shop where I work. It is called (as if the post title isn't glaringly obvious) Harrington Smith Inc. I primarily just do shop support, event set-up and take-downs, and I order people around  "on-site" (not part of my job description, but fun nonetheless). Now, I update the website, and photograph events to boot.
Having recently become addicted to blogging through my mom blog, I decided to start a flower blog as well. I don't really have all that much "free" time, but I do have a free hand to type a lot. And I am getting damn good at editing photos with one hand. 
So, if you don't already have a giant list of blogs you follow, or you have a fascination or remote curiosity about flowers, take a gander. I just so rarely get to use the word gander. Most of the info is accurate, some I just make up (haha...maybe). Regardless, flowers are just wonderful to look at, and the events these designers create are incredible. Awe-inspiring. A new favorite descriptive phrase of mine. Along with "Data search face", but that is waaaay off course here. 

Flower Shop Baby

A Room of Her Own

Just about 20 minutes ago, I made my first attempt at having Aife sleep in her own room through the night. It is attached to our room, so I stupidly thought it wouldn't be that big of an adjustment. Yet again, I am proven oh so very wrong. She loves taking naps in there, and she has this amazing crib to sleep in. But alas, no dice. She squirmed around for a good five minutes before she started letting out her BIG screams. No work up to the climax, just all-out belting her unhappiness with the new digs. Now, I am trying to soothe her, and lull her back to a state of relaxation. Then I will be putting her into her bassinet next to our bed for the night. When it's bedtime, I readily admit defeat. There will be plenty of battles awaiting me tomorrow. Right now all I want to do is sleep. Sleep for a week. I need my strength as the rice cereal war epic wages on...


Oh the good old nights... such as last.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Fun with Sippy Cup and Dad

She loves her dad so much

Here they just finished doing her new dance

And took a bow.

She hates bottles, but loves her some sippy cup! Amazing!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Puppies vs. Babies

I know how easy it is to confuse puppies with babies, but STOP COMPARING HAVING A BABY TO HAVING A DOG!! Maybe it is some weird phenomenon just around this valley, but I can't tell you how many people try swapping stories with me about how "Oh, I know what you mean... when we first got our puppy, Ciara, she woke us up at 3 in the morning to let her out to pee. But, that was just the first night. Now she sleeps through the night, and we just have to let her out to pee when we wake up! Har har hee hee (at this point they stop laughing, because I have punched them out...).  Are these people aware that they are speaking out loud? They have become so accustomed to only interacting with their dogs, that they have lost their grip on reality. Now, I absolutely love dogs, but I know there is a distinct and overwhelming difference between them and human babies. 
If I got dinner invitations one night I can't just open the doggy door, plop some food and water down on the floor for my baby, and head on out. Doesn't work that way. By all means, tell me (a few, very few) stories about your dog, but pleeease don't compare it to my BABY. It is a shitty thing to do, and totally undermines parenting. Parenting is a constant job, with no breaks, and a little life is completely dependent upon you at all times. Dogs take care of themselves almost exclusively. They can survive out on their own, even. I know that in many circumstances, dogs fulfill that role of child to their owners. I get it. I just don't want to hear how you find raising puppies and babies to be the same thing. Tell your childless friends, not your sleep-deprived, haven't had a moment's peace friends with babies. Puppies and babies are both adorable, but not quite the same thing. That being said, here is Aife with her new favorite chew toy.



Monday, May 18, 2009

Little Victories, Big Impact



I know I have been ranting A LOT lately, and it does no good to be all negative... Sometimes you just have to get it off of your swollen breastfeeding chest, though. I mean, yeah, this motherhood stuff can be really difficult sometimes, and wear down your last nerve, but it is also AWESOME!! I can't imagine my life without my daughter. It is sooo important to focus on the good things, and even the tiniest of victories. For example, the latest victories...
First, my pregnancy warts have completely disappeared from my feet, just in time for sandal weather. (I know, gross, but just another fun fun fun part of pregnancy. Some women, the really lucky ones, get the additional prize of warts along with morning sickness, swelling, high blood pressure, fat ass, moodiness, even fatter ass). 
Second, I thought that part of the placenta was still attached, which is a baaaaad thing. So, I was totally freaked out, but it's not. I'm ok. It was just the Depo shot making things interesting. 
Third, my ass has started to go back to human proportions. I have always had some bootay, but now it is beginning to get reasonable, and fit through doorways again.
And, the biggest, most exciting victory of all!!! Aife is no longer terrified of the bottle. She is by no means taking it like a champ, but she is also not screaming hysterically when I bring it near her. Her new-found oral fixation is responsible for this amazing breakthrough. She will suck on it, and even drink some of the pumped b-milk. I can't believe it! 


We are still working on the rice cereal thing, but making some progress with it. She likes to suck on the spoon, and every once in a while will actually keep some of the cereal in her mouth. Most of it just ends up all over her, me and the floor. Pretty much anywhere but the inside of her mouth. She also loves to take charge, and grab the spoon out of my hand and try to shove it in her mouth, like a fish lunging for a worm. I feel hopeful, though. I think she is starting to get used to the idea of it. 
She loves trying to drink out of my glass. If I am holding her, and drinking something, she lunges for it mouth agape, and starts ferociously attacking the rim. 
It is incredible to watch her grow and change, and learn. It really is the small things that keep you going. 

video

Friday, May 15, 2009

Crazy for you Baby

Ah, I stupidly got talked into continuing Depo Provera. I should have put up a fight and made them talk to me more about hormone free options, but I had a crying baby with me, and my boobs were coating the examination room walls with glistening boob milk. (Paints a lovely picture, doesn't it?) They said this was the best option for now. It is progesterone, which is apparently safe for breastfeeding. Buuuut, and this a huge but, because you are expected to gain 10-15 pounds with this crap, (haha, lame pun), it has made me a crazzzzzy person. I out-cry my baby. I had terrible postpartum depression, and that never let up. I try so hard to keep my sense of humor, and blah blah blah, not jump into speeding traffic (I have a new profound knack for drama), but the depression seems to be winning. 
I really feel like the Depo shot is to blame. I really don't want to have to admit that I am actually crazy. One of the most common side effects is severe depression. Why oh why did I not research this? Oh ya, I always have a screaming baby with me. I can't even pee in peace anymore!  No PEEce in this house. (Ok, I am crazy. Disregard my rant on Depo). 
So, the hormones are flaring and screaming, and kicking, and biting. I want out of this, but I have to wait for THREE WHOLE MONTHS. I did finally get some research done, and found an awesome alternative. Stop having sex! Well, I'm not that crazy yet. I am going to ask for an IUD. It is hormone free, easy to install, and lasts for 10 years! I don't have to keep dragging my screaming baby to the gyno every three months anymore! I am soooo excited. Even though my doc tried to talk me out of it during my last visit, I am going to do it. She just likes seeing me suffer... I'm convinced (do remember, though, that I am crazy, and should not be taken seriously, and I truly believe that most current events in my life are a conspiracy right now).  Here's to hoping the depression retreats with its spiteful tail between its legs, and that rice cereal manufacturers aren't actually purposely making it sooo disgusting in order to get vengeance on all new moms for some deep-seated mommy issues from their past. 

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Pics

And pics will be up soon. Some camera difficulties....

Don't Forget Your Pants

Everyday Aife and I go for walks. We walk to the river, or to the post office, the park, downtown, wherever. It's wonderful. The weather has been gorgeous, and the breeze keeps us cool. Buuuuut, today I get a phone call from my mom informing me of a flasher on the loose. He is lurking the streets of our small town and secluded bike trails, aka, where we walk. Apparently, this douche is jerking off in front of women, and then chases them if they run. The cops are too busy pulling over speeders, and making bank on traffic violations to do ANYTHING about it. It takes too much police work to track down the perp/perv, with relatively less monetary compensation for it.  Therefore, they aren't doing shit. They recommend you bring a cell phone with you is all. I know that with a cell phone you can snap a pic, and call for help, and perhaps lead to the capture of this guy, but in past experiences like this, cops did NOOOOTHING to help. In fact, I was blamed for it. They accused me of bringing it on myself, or some shit. I guess that is where my bitterness stems from. Anyway, I wish pervs like this would all just go live together on some crappy island, and flash one another ad nauseum to their hearts' perverted content. Then, we could reinstitute our daily walks. I am taking no chances with my little one, and we always wear our pants.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Happy Belated Mother's Day

This week we are starting rice cereal. Just as everyone had said, it ALL ends up anywhere but the mouth. I never could get Aife to use a bottle, and rice cereal is proving to be no easier. But I will not give up! It is only day two of this here battle, and I have a whole bag of decaf coffee in the freezer. I know that this is the equivalent of non-alcoholic beer (the whole why bother factor), but if I close my eyes and wish really really hard, it almost has the same effect. Not really, but it is amusing to make a pot of decaf and not tell my boyfriend, and watch him drink it. It's the little things. 
Anyway, I guess the real point of my story is, Mother's day was not really all that great. I woke up sooooo early, spent almost the entire day cleaning, Aife was pissed off all day... I spent the day alone with a ceaselessy crying baby. She didn't want to eat, sleep, lay down, be held, move, sit still, be in the car. Nothing. 
But today totally made up for that. Matt let me sleep in. First time since the baby was born!! He took Aife into the living room, made a pot of coffee, and omelets, and was attempting to feed her rice cereal. I walked into the room and thought I was still dreaming. I couldn't believe it. I got to sit down, and enjoy my breakfast for the first time in 4 months. She didn't keep any of the cereal in her mouth, but I didn't care. I was soooo unbelievable happy and grateful. I am really looking forward to not being responsible for EVERY SINGLE FEEDING. We will just keep trying with the rice cereal. She will get it eventually. 

Friday, May 8, 2009

It Gets Easier

About a month ago, my boyfriend/baby daddy, Matt, and I were strolling around the streets of Aspen, running errands, and rubbing shoulders with our former lives as Aspenites. Now we have become DVT (downvalley trash), but we have a place that is affordable, and not the size of a shoe box. We still venture up to Aspen occasionally, and act all elitist as we eat the PB and J's we packed. Ya, PB and J's, but it's really fancy and expensive J; made from diamonds and caviar. (Actually, jelly is kind of expensive) Er, regardless. I have completely not even started to make my point...
Anyways, we were in Aspen, just chillin out on the pedestrian mall with our then two month old girl, when this ski instructor, rushing through the mall, jogs up to us to take a gander. All out of breath, he tells us how cute she is, and such, and how is wife is at home right now with their several day old baby. He looks frantic. He is rushing home to relieve his probably also frantic wife. It was a sweet picture. I tell him not to worry, it's hard at first, but it gets soooo much easier! Just hang in there. He smiles and takes off again. I turned to Matt and asked if it was mean of me to have lied to that guy. 

Do You Take Cream in Your Coffee?

Now, first of all, I know I am so lucky that my milk factories work (a little over-time some days), and I am very happy about this. Some women are unable to breastfeed for a multitude of reasons. Sooo, I don't take my milk jugs for granted, buuuuut sometimes breastfeeding is a bitch! 
Even when you get through those first days or weeks of pure nipple agony: cracked, dry, bleeding, so unbelievably tender, and looking/feeling like a COMPLETE idiot trying to get the "proper" nursing holds down (Oops! Got the baby upside down again. Little help?)... You finally give up on modesty, "F*ck it (nice camo-censoring there, can barely distinguish which expletive is being used!) I'm whipping out my titties right here, right now. And I don't care if that bugs you mr. police officer!" You eventually surrender to the reality that you will be planning all of your days in two-three hour increments. You get used to watching your friends and family, and total strangers, and under-age kids and nuns, and that dog over there (pretty much EVERYONE BUT YOU)... enjoying alcoholic drinks and sweet sweet sweet caffeine, as you grudgingly sip on your water with a twist of lemon and smile wishing you could've spit (or squirt a little b-milk) in all of their delicious drinks. Ok, so maybe you don't get entirely used to this.
Then, you even stop resenting your husband/boyfriend/partner/(or all three, you dirty girl!) for their not having to help with any of the nighttime feedings, because "honey, if I had boobs, I would help, but I don't, so it's up to you, and I will just be here continuing to sleep. And I'm an ass and you should put a dirty diaper on my face..." Ok, so I made up the "honey" part. But the rest is true. 
After you get over alllll of that, it's  piece of cake. Except......for the titty leaking!!!!!!!!
This is the one thing I can't get used to. You hear babies cry, your milk lets down and soaks your shirt. You see a cow, or look at the clock, or scratch your head, your milk lets down. And those nipple pads don't do shiyat. Milk still leaks everywhere, only now, you not only have giant wet circles framing your boobs, you have what appears to be pasties peaking through. Oh, people will desperately try to not look, but they see. They see. There is one saving grace about nipple-leakage. The sheer amusement factor of it spraying all over the room. If my boyfriend makes me mad....pow! Got ya in the eye, sucka! Out of creamer for your coffee? Squeezow! Problem solved. Just bored. Pssssh! Mini-squirt for fun. Always ask if someone is lactose intolerant before lending a helping boob. 

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Under the Sea


Aife is finally not afraid of her Under the Sea gym. Now it is...


Her favorite place to fall asleep. After she completes several full revolutions beneath the sea...


And now even perfect for snack time. 

Monday, May 4, 2009

We've Got the Monday Mornings


I don't remember the lyrics to any nursery rhymes, and I'm lucky if I can even get through the first line of a lullabye before I have to start making up my own words for it.  I am really lucky if any of those words make any kind of sense, or are even real words. Aife is a good sport though. She laughs along with me anyway. I just hope this will not set her up for word disaster later on, or force her into therapy because I have robbed her of a precious childhood experience. What if she ends up being the girl in class speaking like a drunk in complete sentences of made-up words (but her dad is a proud member of the grammar police, so she will speak nonsense, but it will be grammatically correct nonsense). I do not share this same passion. Some of my favorite words are the ones I have made up. Depressancy for example. And I started following my own grammar protocol after 6th grade. Let the commas fall where they may, and the sentences run-on to their hearts' content.
I try so hard to listen to children's music for Aife's benefit, so that she won't be completely robbed of terrible music, but it is painful! She doesn't seem all that into it either. She gives me this look that says,"What the hell are we listening to? This guy has a voice that reeks of forever-a-virgin,-by-choice-of-course,-but-yeah-right-not-buying-it-you-sing-like-a-chick-and-a-creepy-chick-at-that-maybe-you-should-put-down-the-flute-and-try-building-a-thing-or-two-out-of-metal". She is a very linguistically advanced baby at 3 and half months. And look, not one made up word that time! 
When I run out of nonsensical homemade lullabyes, I turn to the aid of my favorite music. She (I) can only put up with "Puff the magic dragon, lived by the sea, and oh hey look here's your diaper again all filled up with pee. Something, something fairytale, and here goes another nap of ours that is surely going to fail.... "(not even the right tune). Pathetic! Or my other favorite, my own rendition of Brian Eno's Baby's on Fire, "Baby's gone rigid, better throw* her in the boppy. Baby's gone rigid. No she is not loose and floppy..." *by throw I mean set her in gently
So, when that gets old (hard to believe it ever could), I put on a little old Bouncing Souls, and sing along to that for her as we mosh around the living room. I tried some Misfits songs too, but when we got to Last Caress, I had to draw the line somewhere. Bouncing Souls, especially the Hopeless Romantic album is very suitable for a baby. A baby destined to have great taste in music! Today's feature song is Monday Morning Ant Brigade. Fitting for a rainy monday, following a nearly sleepless and hectic weekend. No hangover though.  Now if only NOFX and Sloppy Seconds would put out some children's albums. 

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Heavy Loads, Not Just a Diaper Thing After All

Some days are better than others. Such an obvious statement, but it just really sums up life as a new mom. Some days are incredible, and I feel hopeful, and so optimistic about the future that I make myself sick from the excitement (don't care how lame that makes me). Others, I just want to stay in bed all day and  hide from the world. This is no longer an option though. You don't get to have those bad days when you have a baby. You have to face the world head on, and take care of the needs of your little one; even if you cry the whole time you are doing it. I absolutely love being a mom. I love my daughter with a love I did not know I was capable of. She means the world to me. But sometimes, it all just piles up, and the load gets too heavy to handle. You have to handle it anyway. 
Every once in a while I miss the days of hiding. Not getting out of your pajamas all day, not bothering to shower. Just curling up with movies and junk food. Then I look at her, and she smiles, and I forget all about the lazy days. I think about everything that we have to look forward to, and everything we have already accomplished. I can't imagine my life without her. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. 

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Finally Human Again


We are approaching the four month mark, and as promised by everyone, things are finally getting easier.  I thought that I was fairly well prepared for when my baby finally arrived, but after January 22, I realized I had a lot to learn. Every time my new little girl Aife (ee-fee, it's Irish, and I know she is going to kill me for that later, when she has to repeat her name several times to everyone she meets!) wiggled in her crib, or made any kind of noise, I would jump out of bed, pick her up, and then end up having to nurse her again. That meant I was up every single hour of the night (then in tears the for the entire next day). When she was actually sleeping I would lean in to her crib every 5 seconds to make sure she was breathing. I spent all of my free time looking up any sort of ailment I thought she was experiencing: her poop looks funny, she sneezes a lot, she should be eating for longer (nursing was so unbelievably stressful) sun isn't shining out of her ass yet, etc. I was such a nervous wreck, that it was impossible to take naps when she was. In two months I had compiled a total of 8 hours of sleep, and about 3 showers. So, that was the story of my life for the first two months. 

Then, I got a clue. She started sleeping for five hour stretches, and I was only getting up a couple of times throughout the night. The days started getting easier too. She was now able to be awake and not be crying for food all of the time, (but she definitely did a lot of crying). We started story-time, and lay-on-the-floor time, and whatever else made her happy. As time continued passing, through the dramatic ups and downs, things really did get easier. Life is getting easier, and more fun everyday. Watching her learn new things, discover her hands and feet, recognize faces, and observe the world so intently has made all of the hard times worth it. I still can't believe we have made it to this point. 

I don't feel like myself again. I will never feel entirely like my old self again. Everything changes so dramatically. I do, however, feel human again. This new life is uncharted, and therefore can be daunting and uncertain at times, but it is also amazing. My old self has brought me to this point, and now I get to see where this new self will take me. Hopefully, it will take me to a place where Aife is sleeping through the night again. But, hey, at least she has mastered the art of turning herself in circles in her crib throughout the night. 

Friday, May 1, 2009

This Ain't No Beer Belly







It all began with my 23rd birthday. Celebrating with beers and camping in Moab. 
8 months later, I can't see my swollen feet, and EVERYTHING hurts.
9 months (and one hell of a delivery) later, and suddenly life made sense. (after the delirium subsided) I never knew a love like this existed.

Souvenir from California


This time last year I was out in California with my boyfriend of just a few months, visiting old friends, and celebrating my 23rd birthday. This time last year I was unknowingly changing my life forever. 

We spent our days exploring Balboa Park and Sea World, or just nursing horrendous hang-overs by the pool. Less-than responsible activities filled our nights. It was a care-free, very amusing way to escape the obligations waiting back home.  Life was uncomplicated. 

In retrospect it is glaringly obvious that despite the relative "ease" of that life, it was empty. I worked my ass off studying to become an architect, and working at jobs with no future; At the end of the week I would blow off steam with a few drinks (most often more than a few). My passion for architecture had wilted. Partying became this superficial answer to any problems I was facing. I still wanted to do incredible things with my life, but I found myself getting too comfortable in this lifestyle, in just working fairly menial jobs that pay the bills, and partying with friends on the weekend. 

Upon returning from our California excursion, we decided to begin a month of sobriety. Coincidentally, that was perfect timing, since we unknowingly brought back more than just your typical, tacky souvenirs. Three of us were returning home. By the end of May, the morning-sickness had kicked in, and so I didn't resume drinking. I still did not realize I was pregnant. I had just started birth control in April and was told to expect side-effects almost identical to pregnancy. My menstrual cycle has ALWAYS been screwy. Sometimes I only get my period twice a year. Therefore, not getting my period for several months raised no pregnancy concern. I was showing no signs of a bun in the oven until early August. Luckily, I had been so nauseous from the morning sickness, and throwing up at the thought of ingesting anything, that I had not been drinking all summer. A few times I would attempt to drink a beer, or enjoy a refreshing margarita, but they just came right back up. 

August came, and with it a tiny little bump. So, I took a home pregnancy test. One little word had changed everything. I wanted to cry hysterically. I was petrified. But we were going to my boyfriend's sister's house for dinner. So I had to suck it up, and bite my lips to keep them from shaking right off of my face. When we got back to his house, I burst into tears and led him out to the nearby duck pond. As we sat on the bench, I somehow choked the words out. Then something astonishing happened. He looked right into my eyes, held me tightly, and said "I know that the timing is terrible, but this is actually really cool. I am so excited that you are having my baby." 

His first gut reaction floored me. I was elated beyond any elation I had ever felt. Still terrified as all hell though. On August 8, 2008 we went in for the confirmation test and ultrasound to determine the date of conception. I was still unsure if I was going to keep the baby. He was sure he wanted to keep it. We had a long discussion before the appointment trying to figure out what we would do once we had more information. We both realized that although the timing was far from ideal, would there ever be an ideal time? No matter where we were in our lives, we would always be able to come up with a million reasons to not have a baby. That uncertainty was instantly eradicated when we saw our baby spiritedly kicking around inside of me. He grabbed my hand so tight. Suddenly, I wasn't scared. I was going to be a mother. We left that office as a family, and went to buy prenatal vitamins.