Crazy for you Baby

Ah, I stupidly got talked into continuing Depo Provera. I should have put up a fight and made them talk to me more about hormone free options, but I had a crying baby with me, and my boobs were coating the examination room walls with glistening boob milk. (Paints a lovely picture, doesn't it?) They said this was the best option for now. It is progesterone, which is apparently safe for breastfeeding. Buuuut, and this a huge but, because you are expected to gain 10-15 pounds with this crap, (haha, lame pun), it has made me a crazzzzzy person. I out-cry my baby. I had terrible postpartum depression, and that never let up. I try so hard to keep my sense of humor, and blah blah blah, not jump into speeding traffic (I have a new profound knack for drama), but the depression seems to be winning. 

I really feel like the Depo shot is to blame. I really don't want to have to admit that I am actually crazy. One of the most common side effects is severe depression. Why oh why did I not research this? Oh ya, I always have a screaming baby with me. I can't even pee in peace anymore!  No PEEce in this house. (Ok, I am crazy. Disregard my rant on Depo). 

So, the hormones are flaring and screaming, and kicking, and biting. I want out of this, but I have to wait for THREE WHOLE MONTHS. I did finally get some research done, and found an awesome alternative. Stop having sex! Well, I'm not that crazy yet. I am going to ask for an IUD. It is hormone free, easy to install, and lasts for 10 years! I don't have to keep dragging my screaming baby to the gyno every three months anymore! I am soooo excited. Even though my doc tried to talk me out of it during my last visit, I am going to do it. She just likes seeing me suffer... I'm convinced (do remember, though, that I am crazy, and should not be taken seriously, and I truly believe that most current events in my life are a conspiracy right now).  Here's to hoping the depression retreats with its spiteful tail between its legs, and that rice cereal manufacturers aren't actually purposely making it sooo disgusting in order to get vengeance on all new moms for some deep-seated mommy issues from their past. 

Heavy Loads, Not Just a Diaper Thing After All

Some days are better than others. Such an obvious statement, but it just really sums up life as a new mom. Some days are incredible, and I feel hopeful, and so optimistic about the future that I make myself sick from the excitement (don't care how lame that makes me). Others, I just want to stay in bed all day and  hide from the world. This is no longer an option though. You don't get to have those bad days when you have a baby. You have to face the world head on, and take care of the needs of your little one; even if you cry the whole time you are doing it. I absolutely love being a mom. I love my daughter with a love I did not know I was capable of. She means the world to me. But sometimes, it all just piles up, and the load gets too heavy to handle. You have to handle it anyway. 

Every once in a while I miss the days of hiding. Not getting out of your pajamas all day, not bothering to shower. Just curling up with movies and junk food. Then I look at her, and she smiles, and I forget all about the lazy days. I think about everything that we have to look forward to, and everything we have already accomplished. I can't imagine my life without her. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.