Saturday, May 2, 2009

Finally Human Again

We are approaching the four month mark, and as promised by everyone, things are finally getting easier.  I thought that I was fairly well prepared for when my baby finally arrived, but after January 22, I realized I had a lot to learn. Every time my new little girl Aife (ee-fee, it's Irish, and I know she is going to kill me for that later, when she has to repeat her name several times to everyone she meets!) wiggled in her crib, or made any kind of noise, I would jump out of bed, pick her up, and then end up having to nurse her again. That meant I was up every single hour of the night (then in tears the for the entire next day). When she was actually sleeping I would lean in to her crib every 5 seconds to make sure she was breathing. I spent all of my free time looking up any sort of ailment I thought she was experiencing: her poop looks funny, she sneezes a lot, she should be eating for longer (nursing was so unbelievably stressful) sun isn't shining out of her ass yet, etc. I was such a nervous wreck, that it was impossible to take naps when she was. In two months I had compiled a total of 8 hours of sleep, and about 3 showers. So, that was the story of my life for the first two months. 

Then, I got a clue. She started sleeping for five hour stretches, and I was only getting up a couple of times throughout the night. The days started getting easier too. She was now able to be awake and not be crying for food all of the time, (but she definitely did a lot of crying). We started story-time, and lay-on-the-floor time, and whatever else made her happy. As time continued passing, through the dramatic ups and downs, things really did get easier. Life is getting easier, and more fun everyday. Watching her learn new things, discover her hands and feet, recognize faces, and observe the world so intently has made all of the hard times worth it. I still can't believe we have made it to this point. 

I don't feel like myself again. I will never feel entirely like my old self again. Everything changes so dramatically. I do, however, feel human again. This new life is uncharted, and therefore can be daunting and uncertain at times, but it is also amazing. My old self has brought me to this point, and now I get to see where this new self will take me. Hopefully, it will take me to a place where Aife is sleeping through the night again. But, hey, at least she has mastered the art of turning herself in circles in her crib throughout the night. 

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