Thursday, June 25, 2009

Relationship on Autopilot

I think Matt and I have gotten used to one another.
We no longer tip-toe around each other's feelings. This has been both liberating, and gasoline on the fire. It's great, though. It is forcing our relationship to grow and rearrange. Things were getting stagnant. Our relationship was on autopilot, out of our control, just going through the motions. Relationships go through these phases, ever-evolving. I think that if they don't, it won't make it. We are always changing, growing, learning, and the things don't keep up are left behind.

As parents we have changed drastically. So far we have done a good job adjusting to the circumstances, and rolling with the punches. But it gets difficult. Sometimes you direct your anger and frustration at each other, in lieu of a more productive outlet. I am definitely doing that right now. I am mad at Matt for EVERYTHING, but I can't explain why when he asks what is up. Believe me, I am fully aware, painfully aware of craziness!
I was just beginning to really resent him. He still has a social life, and takes time to do the things he wants to. His outlet is bike riding. He goes downhill biking or dirt jumping several times a week, and occasionally meets up with friends for beers. And it keeps him level and relaxed so that he can handle stress.
Then it dawned on me. Rather than resent him, learn from him. Take sometime out to do something I enjoy. Find my own outlets. Aife will be fine for a few hours hanging out with her old man. I am not letting her down or abandoning her by taking a pilates class a couple times a week.(Still grappling with this one). It will be better for us all, actually. Especially my giant booty!


  1. Wow dude. You read my mind. I had a complete fucking BREAKDOWN today! My husband just got back from a week in Vegas, even though his traveling circumstances weren't ideal, he still had a break from "real life" while I've been stuck here with pets and a baby and dirty diapers and muddy paws and dishes and laundry and OH MY GOD...

    We have three dogs and an ENORMOUS yard that essentially turned into a giant mud pit because we never had a lawn mower to mow it, so we didn't water it since we couldn't cut it, and it ended up dying. So now when it rains, it's literally like a mud wrestling pit with a big ass tree in the middle of it. So when we let our dogs out to go potty, we have to fill a big bucket of water and use rubber gloves and wash each and every one of their feet when they come inside. That's 12 paws!!!! Anyway it takes like a half an hour to do this right? On top of which I have postpartum carpal tunnel so it hurts like a bitch to do ANYTHING, let alone scrub squirmy paws. I have like a 30 minute window each morning when she's napping to get myself ready with numb hands AND take care of the dogs AND do any house work that needs done, (which is always)and o a bazillion other things.

    Well, today she refused to nap so I totally lost it because I couldn't get a thing done. Meanwhile my husband is back at work not having to deal with a damn thing as I sit here up to my ears in bullshit. So I broke down. Totally lost it. The baby was screaming, the dogs were barking, my phone was ringing and I was just sitting there in tears at the irony of it all. I need an outlet like woah and since the friends all vanished when I had a baby, that leaves me with.. ohhhh, a stroll around the park or a beer alone in my underwear, solo style.

    And my ghetto booty isn't getting smaller, either.

  2. Only good can come from you taking a few hours to do your thing.

    -Aife gets quality dad time.
    -Matt gets to pick up a bit of the parenting drudge work.
    -You get a moment to feel like Kaylee and not just "Mom"
    -Aife and Matt will get a Kaylee who is more present and happy the other 21 hours of the day. :)

    Just like you said--You are not letting her down or abandoning her by taking a couple of hours to yourself. YAY.