Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Regaining Some Sense of Self

I don't know how to make myself happy anymore. Life has changed so abruptly and I haven't kept up. I am clinging on to parts of my old life so tightly unwilling to accept that I can't do all of things I used to do. I used to stay up all night blasting my favorite music and painting or drawing until my eyes went completely cross or blurry, falling asleep with paint brush or pencil in hand. I got my best work done at night. 
In architecture school, you learn really fast how to cope without any sleep. I thought this talent would be helpful as a new mom, but it is a completely different sleeplessness now; one unaided by inordinate amounts of caffeine. 
I used to be able to set up my stuff and just tune out the world for a whole day, several days. Now everything is planned in two-three hour increments, and the half hour segments of "free time" are absorbed into housework, or getting work done for my job. I know that my happiness is up to me. I just feel tired and under-inspired. I have all of these plans, but fall short at putting them into action. I guess I'm just wondering how some moms do it. How do you make sure your family is happy, and then have the energy to do something for yourself? I do put too much effort into the happiness of Matt. He takes care of himself, and definitely makes sure he is happy. So, I should do the same. 
Life is so much better now, in so many ways. It just takes some time to adjust to the changes, and not lose yourself along the way. 


  1. It will come with time. Just don't become your own worst enemy. It's just a evolution. A change for the better. That doesn't mean you have to lose the old you. You now a newer better extension of you. Believe me. I know. We have 7 children that include a set of twins born 3 months ago.

    Hugs and Mocha,

  2. I think that this is the sort of thing, the sort of balance, that comes with time. Just hang in there; you'll figure it out =)

  3. Hey - men do take care of themselves in that way. It is probably something I should try to learn from my husband, except then it would mean no one was tracking household shit and schedules and whatnot . . . hmmm, oh yeah, it will get better - I always tell you that! And it does, somehow. I have just started sleeping six hours consecutively, with my now ten month old baby cooperating, at last. It is getting better. And working will help you, even if it can be sucky, because you are out being you instead of an extension of the wee one. I like the jungle kitty!

  4. Men are exceptionally good at taking care of their own happiness--and once women become moms they complete suck at it!

    And it kind of has to be that way. Well, the guys could be a litle more selfless sometimes, but babies kind of need to be glued to their mothers for a while.

    But pretty soon you'll be able to slowly separate yourself from Aife a little and take back some of your brain and time for yourself.

    As always, I desperately wish I lived nearby so I could look after the munchkin and let you have Kaylee-time. I really think you should consider New York. The rents are plummeting right now, event planner and florists still rake it in, hedge fund analysts are obsessed with bike racing so high-end bike shops also rake it in, the design schools are top of the line, and aunt Katie will watch Aife 20 hours a week. Deal?

    Also: I just saw the vid that Caitlin posted of Aife--she's so grown up! Pretty soon she'll be going to the fridge and pouring herself a glass of milk instead of grabbing your boob.