Friday, July 31, 2009

Watching Lightning

Watching lightning

July is at its end. I really can't believe how this summer has just flown by. I remember just a couple months ago how I was desperately wishing time away. I wrote about it in private, not wanting to reveal my shortcomings as a mom. I was so mad at myself for wishing time away. Time I was "supposed" to be clinging to with unrelenting clutches. Cherishing every single moment. I felt like a failure, a horrendous mother, because I just wanted to cry all of the time. I counted down the hours of each day, anxiously awaiting the end of each day. It's not that I didn't love my daughter. I loved her, and still love her with a love I never knew I was capable of until I met her, but I still struggled. I do believe I was battling with some postpartum depression, but I had neither the means nor the time to do anything about it.

And, yet, here we are. Six months in, and the air is clearing. I feel like I am getting the hang of it. I finally take the time to sit back and watch this little person I created. I get to witness someone getting acquainted with this world of ours. I watched her discover her hands and feet, smile her first non-gas induced smile, jump at her first encounter with thunder, roll on her belly and shriek with frustration, and be privy to the incomparable amazingness of an infant's belly laugh. True undeniable laughter.

No longer afraid of the thunder

There are so many unbelievable things you get to be a part being a parent. I am so grateful I finally stopped obsessively timing every feeding to make sure she was eating exactly ten minutes per boob, and then burping within five minutes between each boob, and not doing this because 'the experts' say so, and doing this because this book says so, and freaking the F out because my baby wasn't on this rigid schedule, and just STARTED USING MY COMMON SENSE. She was growing perfectly, very healthy, and most importantly... soooo happy.

I finally just relaxed, and enjoyed my baby. Why did no one tell me that from the beginning? Everyone terrifies you. Parenting books just made me feel outrageously inadequate. Uh, it was stressful. Then I realized (cliche approaching) Screw you guys, I can do this!

Once you realize that raising your little creation is pretty much the coolest thing ever, and that she has astonishingly survived all of your inadequacies and follies, parenthood becomes so much fun. You just start to enjoy your time together immensely. Everyday she amazes me, and everyday I still would not change a thing. Life with her is as it should be.

Finding happiness in everyday

1 comment:

  1. You are a FUCKING GODDESS for what you've managed to do in the last 6 months. Aife is gorgeous and will continue to dazzle us all.

    I'm so so so happy to hear that you're getting to the part where you can really enjoy this. And it's so exciting to me because, well...
    I don't know the first thing about post partum depression. I know that I've never experienced the level of exhaustion or solitude that you lived with those first few months. I do not know the first thing about what it would feel like to have a helpless being be entirely, 100% dependent on me for survival. In other words, I can't know how hard the last 6 months have been for you...
    I do know a thing or two about babies and OH. MY. GOD. do you have a TON of fun ahead of you!

    If I had it my way, I would get a magic baby that hatches as a 6 month old, grows to 2 1/2 and then reverts to 6 months old to do it again. If babies did that, I'd have 5 of them already.
    It's like a fireworks show of adorable childhood development. Right when you're ooing and awing at the first big KABOOM (waves bye bye!) Baby goes CRACKLY BOOM! and she's crawling/walking/saying "nigh nigh mama!"/blowing kisses/dancing/singing/somersaulting...
    Basically, I'm really excited for you, and really excited to see you guys!!