Tuesday, August 4, 2009

IU D-Day Part Deux

I don't know if I my vagina has just already had its fair share of terrifying pain and was like "no way am I making this easy for you.", or I am just a GIANT HUGE woos, but that IUD hurt like a bitch! The pamphlet warned that there might be slight cramping following the IUD insertion. Okay, I thought, I can handle some cramping. That pamphlet is a damn dirty liar, and I would punch it right in the face if I could!

The doc tells me that I will feel three separate cramps as she measures, inserts, makes me baby-proof for ten years. I think, ok, no big deal. I gave birth naturally, how bad could this be? So, wrong. At least with birth I had the epidural.

First cramp, painful, but manageable. Second cramp, teeth-clenching "Oh my god, tell me it's over!" I need something to crush with my hand!! Third cramp, "THERE'S MORE?!?!? I changed my mind. Hand me my pants. I'm out!" Ahhhhhh! My eyes tear up, I'm clammy, and about to pass out from the blinding pain.

The doc feels my forehead, grabs my hand, and tells me to not move. Do not sit up, I will go get you some ibuprofen. Oh, gee, thanks. That will do it. I think I will just go slam my head in the door for a while instead, until I have forgotten that it feels like you shattered a dozen glasses in my UTERUS! Meanwhile, gushing blood.

She comes back, and asks if I can put my pants on without passing out. I'm about to give her a "are you kidding me?" look, when I hear my baby start to cry. Without hesitation, but many groans, I jumped right into jeans, and wobbled out to collect my girl that the amazing nurses so generously offered to watch while my poor uterus was being traumatized.

We waited, hunched over, to check out and pay as a steady stream of teenage girls were infiltrating the waiting room, making appointments, checking in, making my life hell! I am standing there hunched over, baby in arm, blood trickling down my leg, sweating buckets. These girls were taking FOREVER! Finally, we get to leave.

I decide to walk around town for a while to gain my composure a bit, before I drive. Walking, not the greatest feeling at the moment, but sitting down and driving stick, excruciating! I pushed Aife in her stroller, and hobbled behind for a while.
Moral of the story, I am a giant woos, apparently. But, I am looking forward to hormone-free protection that lasts for ten years! Depo made me a crazy person. Today it feels like my ovaries got into a boxing match. And lost big time after betting their life-savings on a landslide win, and owe the mafia their first born child now, because they can't come up with the money, the Depo has obviously not worn off yet...


  1. I puked when i got mine. Um, and have I mentioned that I'm still bleeding from it? BECAUSE I AM!!!!! I got it when she was 6 weeks. She is now 4 months. Awesome.

  2. Oh god. Just got nauseas and light headed reading this. Uff. I need some fresh air!

    And so if your account of the IUD does this to me through the internet...I'd give you some vicodin if I could!