Do You Take Cream in Your Coffee?

Now, first of all, I know I am so lucky that my milk factories work (a little over-time some days), and I am very happy about this. Some women are unable to breastfeed for a multitude of reasons. Sooo, I don't take my milk jugs for granted, buuuuut sometimes breastfeeding is a bitch! 

Even when you get through those first days or weeks of pure nipple agony: cracked, dry, bleeding, so unbelievably tender, and looking/feeling like a COMPLETE idiot trying to get the "proper" nursing holds down (Oops! Got the baby upside down again. Little help?)... You finally give up on modesty, "F*ck it (nice camo-censoring there, can barely distinguish which expletive is being used!) I'm whipping out my titties right here, right now. And I don't care if that bugs you mr. police officer!" You eventually surrender to the reality that you will be planning all of your days in two-three hour increments. You get used to watching your friends and family, and total strangers, and under-age kids and nuns, and that dog over there (pretty much EVERYONE BUT YOU)... enjoying alcoholic drinks and sweet sweet sweet caffeine, as you grudgingly sip on your water with a twist of lemon and smile wishing you could've spit (or squirt a little b-milk) in all of their delicious drinks. Ok, so maybe you don't get entirely used to this.

Then, you even stop resenting your husband/boyfriend/partner/(or all three, you dirty girl!) for their not having to help with any of the nighttime feedings, because "honey, if I had boobs, I would help, but I don't, so it's up to you, and I will just be here continuing to sleep. And I'm an ass and you should put a dirty diaper on my face..." Ok, so I made up the "honey" part. But the rest is true. 

After you get over alllll of that, it's  piece of cake. Except......for the titty leaking!!!!!!!!

This is the one thing I can't get used to. You hear babies cry, your milk lets down and soaks your shirt. You see a cow, or look at the clock, or scratch your head, your milk lets down. And those nipple pads don't do shiyat. Milk still leaks everywhere, only now, you not only have giant wet circles framing your boobs, you have what appears to be pasties peaking through. Oh, people will desperately try to not look, but they see. They see. There is one saving grace about nipple-leakage. The sheer amusement factor of it spraying all over the room. If my boyfriend makes me mad....pow! Got ya in the eye, sucka! Out of creamer for your coffee? Squeezow! Problem solved. Just bored. Pssssh! Mini-squirt for fun. Always ask if someone is lactose intolerant before lending a helping boob.